Shiny happy people holding hands

I think I need a vacation and I am not saying that because I have four kids and homeschool. I am saying that because sometimes this world gets just too intense for my tender sensibilities. I do my best to live inside a well constructed bubble of denial, but sometimes life creeps in and it pops. And this irritates me. I work really hard to be unaware.

There are lots of people who would like me to be more in tune with reality. I would like those people to shut up, bless their hearts. They are just making more work for me in the end. Their efforts are in vain. I just don't like where this rock is headed figuratively speaking. It bothers me.

Now my rooted in the "real world" friends think I am doing myself a huge disservice by filtering and blocking things out. They think I should toughen up and stop being such a big baby. That's me apparently, a big ol thumb sucking baby. But I think that there are benefits to living in my bubble of denial. There are benefits to remaining a softy. After all, there aren't that many of us left.

Numero uno. I can sleep at night. I am usually blissfully unaware that the government is trying to control me through my dishwasher or that some other country is building a bomb to obliterate and my entire city.

B. I have so much more free time to pin things on pinterest or to write these deep profound blogs of mine since I am not listening to Glen Beck or watching CNN. I have time to perfect my brownie recipe and contemplate cloth diapers. In my mind I am somewhere circa 1950 except for the whole cold war thingy.

359. It is easier for me to focus the few things in this world that are good. I am a hopeless optimist and whether you like it or not YOU need me. I have a firm grip on sugar and spice and everything nice. So just when you think everything is in the toilet here I am with a little sunshine to throw your way. I am here for YOU. Its just me and Jesse Jackson keepin hope alive.

So just quit it already. I know whats going on to a greater extent than I let show. Its a perfectly crafted carefully balanced way of maintaining my sanity. Oh and did I mention my husband is a cop. I don't even want to imagine the kind of mess I'd be if I just let my mind stay on that too long. So the rest of you can go on worrying and discussing amongst yourselves the various important and pressing issues of the day. I will make you some cookies to snack on while you debate. All I ask is that someone give he a heads up when the zombies are coming. Other than that lets keep it light. Like marshmallows. Mmmmm marshmallows.

It makes you want to smash things

So I am on the Facebook today and I read about a friend who had a near miss with an $800 ticket. My initial reaction was relief. There won't be much partying with her if she is shelling out money like that to the local government. Someone else had posted a comment about her getting out of her ticket because she was pretty and my right eye twitched.

I read the rest of the comments and on my way to the next post I read the "pretty girl" comment again. This time my right eye and shoulder simultaneously twitched and a ball of anger began to grow in my insides.

I am usually a very confident person. I got loads of self esteem. Why else would I not be in some all fired hurry to lose all this baby weight? Nobody rocks the cellulite like this girl. But that little ball of anger began to grow and work its way all through my body. Now I want to smash things.

I mainly want to smash "pretty girls" who flirt to get out of a ticket. And when I say smash I mean bludgeon to death.

I know, I don't know where all this violence is coming from.

It probably has something to do with my husband being the one passing out the tickets. I have heard countless stories of classless stupid women who will hike up their skirts, cry, or do some other Oscar worthy performance to get out of a ticket.

I know what they could do, learn to drive.

Just the thought of some woman flirting shamelessly with my husband in order to manipulate him like he is some sort of circus monkey infuriates me. After all, that is my job.

So here is my message to "pretty girls". If you get caught breaking the law you had better break out your wallet and pay up. If I catch you flirting with my husband.....and believe me he will tell, I will hunt you down like the low life animal you are and pummel your face. If you are an ugly girl then...... I am sorry.

Whew! I am glad I got that out. All this violence makes me hungry.

Holidays and such......

Its these holidays that get me down. The 4th of July is Dan the man's favorite, but they are mostly the same. We never celebrate like everyone else. Its always on a different day or time. Birthdays, anniversaries and yes even Christmas happen when we get around to them. I kinda feel like a dork being done with the 4th of July before anyone even started, but that's how it goes I guess. I plan our whole life, even federal holidays around his schedule. It doesn't matter if the mail doesn't come or the trash doesn't get picked up. Dan the man will be at work.

Its been like this most of our marriage though. I am kinda used to it by now. I wonder when the kids will figure it out. My oldest thinks we are weird, but I don't think it bothers her. By the time Dan gets normal days off most of the kids will be older and probably think our family get togethers are lame. I am thankful that Dan gets to do something he loves though. Them's the breaks.

So I am sitting here in the 4th of July waiting for him to come home. This is what Christmas, Thanksgiving and every family birthday will be like. Until......whenever. I guess the dates really don't mean as much as coming together as a family. I hope our kids understand that. I hope the folks in our lives don't hold our strange schedule against us either. We do our best. I know its not the same when I show up to parties and stuff with the kids in tow and no Dan. Trust me its no fun for me either, but if I waited for Dan to be off we'd never go to anything. The kids would be stuck in the house all the time and that makes for a long day for me. Most of the time I am a single parent and its really hard. Some days its a breeze and some days its kinda sad. Today is kind of a mixture of both. I hope people realize how hard Dan and the other cops work. I hope today when they are calling to complain about stuff they notice that they have the day off and some folks don't. Maybe be a bit more patient and try to enjoy your holiday without all the drunkeness and crap. Just try.

His Highness

I haven't been doing much aside from taking copious amounts of heartburn meds and passing out on my couch around 5pm everyday. This is why there have been no blogs. I understand how empty this has made your lives so I decided that even in my weakened bloated state I should still blog.

I have had Dan the man home for about 3 weeks now. It feels like 3 years. I wish he could go back to work and stop following me around. I have learned some things about him in this short time. I think that if he were ever unemployed I would have to leave him. I cannot stand this man when he has no purpose. Of course I have tried to occupy him with one arm friendly tasks, but it seems all these things are beneath him. They do not satisfy his need for control. He NEEDS control.

Since he can't control criminals he has taken to controlling everything from breakfast to my driving. I know my driving is bad, but if you can't sit over there and shut up then take the bus. He is out of his element completely. He used to tell me how lucky I was to have so much time to watch tv in the evening. Yes, I let him live after making this comment. Now he is home every night and can see for himself that even though we have netflix and over 300 channels there is still nothing on.

I am trying not to hurt him. Lord knows I don't need him here any longer. He is better when he has people to handcuff and yell at. I won't let him do that to the kids no matter how much he begs. The kids are already tired of him and his crankiness. I don't think letting him discipline them in his current state would earn him any daddy points. No more "best dad" coffee mugs for his highness. Dad is almost on his way to the dog house. I kind of like being the "good" parent now. I am usually the mean one, but Dan is scooting into that seat and settling in.

I hope through all of this he can learn a little patience. I hope he doesn't waste all this time off. If it were me I would milk this for all its worth. I would have the kids fanning me and feeding me grapes. There is no way I'd be pacing around complaining about how I need to fertilize the yard. Men and women are really different. I am gonna keep driving Mr. crabby pants around and trying to entertain him because deep down I do love him. If he doesn't get a grip I may have to put him down. Get yourself together Dan.

Arms are important

Since my husband, in his tireless war against crime and injustice, became a one armed wonder I have started to appreciate further the use of my two fully operational arms. There are many things one cannot accomplish with only one arm. Here are a few that I have noticed since Dan the man's accident.

1. You cannot drive a car with one arm. I am sure there are special vehicles just for folks who really only have one arm, but Dan has a stick shift. Not sure how that's gonna happen. So I am now his chauffeur.

2. You cannot tie your shoes with one arm. I never noticed how every pair of shoes this man owns has laces. Not one slip on or velcro pair in sight.

3. You cannot cut your own meat with one arm. I am now cutting meat for everyone at my table. If you come over I will gladly cut yours too.

4. You cannot change a diaper with one arm. This one really hit me. I am now the sole diaper changer. Crap.

5. You cannot mow your lawn with one arm. Now this one I refuse to do. He has enough friends and we know enough money hungry teenagers to pull this one off. It would be nice if we didn't have to pay someone, but if that's what it takes to keep this golf course in order then so be it. I am not cutting grass. I will cut meat, but not grass.

So there you have just a few of the things we are encountering this week. Be thankful if you can use all your limbs. I sure am and if you have had an injury like this before any advice on how not to lose my mind would be great.

Things I didn't know about cops

I think people make a lot of judgements about cops. Its not that they are bad people. I think it has more to do with being ignorant of the job. There is a lot of behaviour that from the outside makes no sense. I didn't have a high regard for law enforcement myself. I was introduced to a whole new world once my husband decided it was the career he'd always wanted. I know that I may not change anyone's mind about the po po, but people aren't big on personal responsibility these days. No one wants to admit they were wrong. Its easier to say we are being targeted or picked on. Anyway here are a few things I have picked up that may explain some things.

1. Why are cops so rude? Well they all aren't. Some are down right nice. If you live in Mayberry you might wonder why anyone would think that. If you live in any medium to large city you know what I mean. Truth is they don't know you. They don't know if you have a gun, a warrant, someone in the trunk.... Get the idea? They have to treat it as seriously as possible. We have all seen those Youtube videos of traffic stops where the suspect just kills the officer unprovoked. That is in the back of their heads every time they stop someone.

2. Why didn't he stop/pull that guy over? Well he wasn't on his way to get donuts more than likely he was on his way to a call. No they don't always use lights and sirens. They may be going to break up a domestic dispute, take a burglary or some other non-violent crime and they need to get there. They don't have time to pull over the jerk who ran the light. If it was your business or car that was stolen I don't think you would mind him passing up the bad driver.

3.Why didn't he just give me a warning? Probably because you broke the law. It doesn't matter if every other driver was doing the same thing either. I don't think God holds us accountable for the actions of other and I don't think he is happy when we act rude or angry when we are caught. If you have had a record of bad driving then don't expect a warning. Try driving the speed limit and obeying the traffic laws. I wonder how many tickets you'd get then?

Cops work hard. They would drive 90 miles an hour through traffic to get to your house any time of day. There aren't many folks who would do that. I think they deserve some respect. You have no idea the atrocities they see on a daily basis or the violence they encounter. I think some perspective might be in order.

The ride along

Not every department does ride alongs. I can fully understand why. You go along to observe real police work, but really you are just in the way. People ask a bajillion questions while the officer is trying to drive, use the computer and listen to the radio at the same time. That is how Dan says most people are on ride alongs, all chatty.

I, however, am not. I am a bundle of nerves.

I think if maybe I talk too much he will crash the car or miss something important on the radio. I am not chatty at all. If you know me in real life you would understand what a stark contrast that is to my personality in general.

I mean I blog for pete's sake. I have lots to say.

So I went on my ride along. It has been four years since my last one and I figured I was due. I, under no circumstance, enjoy riding along. It scares the poop outta me even if nothing happens. I kinda feel like its my wifely duty to every so often check in on Officer Dan and take a general interest in what he does all day. I want him to notice the nuances of my tater tot casserole. I guess the least I can do is put on a kevlar vest and jump in the car with him for a few hours.

This time was better. I went into the day with visions of my last ride along. Bloody faced Mexican men fighting over some girl.....who happened to be too young for either of them. Nonetheless they were fighting and on took off his belt and decided to us the metal end to tear up the other ones face. It was a bloody mess. I remember this from four years ago. I think I might have been traumatized, but Dan just wanted to know if I was hungry. I guess he was.

There was no blood this time. Just weirdness. We went to a call where this lady had decided to drop in and check on her home. She had been trying to sell it, so there it sat vacant. She lived a few hours north and since she was in the area she thought it would be good to go look around. It proved to be a great decision because her home had tenants. There were folks living in there. She called the cops. (enter Dan and I) Officer Dan and one of his coworkers started to unravel this long and complicated story.

The tenants said they were renting, they had a contract........with someone else who didn't own the home. If the rent on your house is dramatically below market value and you are not given a key then chances are you are being scammed. Tears ensued and eventually two arrests for trespassing.

Dan asked me if I wanted to go look in the shed. Of course I didn't want to look in the shed. What? Was there a dead body in there or something? It turned out to be a bed roll and some stuff. There was obviously a dude sleeping in there too. I had to laugh when Officer Dan asked the lady if she thought it was normal to sleep in a shed. " I don't sleep in a shed. Do you think its normal for someone to sleep in a shed?". She had no reply other than to ask if I could reach up her shirt and adjust her bra. It was pinching her and she couldn't get to it in the cuffs.

So I am done for the next 4-5 years. I will go out again then when I have completely forgotten what he does for a living. I am thankful that he does it though. Lord knows I don't want to.

Come on Dan!

I need Dan to get a Facebook page.

I want us to be married in an official social network sense.

I want one of those little red hearts.


Why does he begrudge me a little red heart? He is selfish, that is why. Well, that and the fact that he would rather set his hair on fire than waste his time reading about what you ate for lunch. I, on the other hand, would love to know what you had for lunch and what you are planning for dinner. Hey, while we are at it how about a picture of that new hair do?

Lots of other husbands and male type humans have Facebook accounts. Even a few of his coworkers are my FB buddies. I am almost positive that is how most of my smack talking gets back to him, but he could read it himself if he would just sign up. I keep asking. He keeps declining. I try to show him just how much fun it would be, but he would rather shoot at our wii with his little zapper and yell at people who don't exist.

I guess I am relegated to loneliness on FB. Sometimes I catch him leaning over my shoulder trying to read what I am posting or reading posts from the other faithful members. I yell at him that he could easily get his own profile and then show him examples of other dudes who participate.

No dice.

I think I will eventually get him to sign up. I usually get my way. I am quite persistent and patient. I will have to start rumors about him or something until he is forced to get a profile just to bust me. I WILL have one of those little hearts and a picture of my husband on there. It just seems like I am desperate and made him up. We are an unwed FB couple and it kills me. He reads my blog though. Maybe this little rant will convince him of just how important his lack of FB presence is to me. Come on Dan! Stop being so stubborn and proclaim our love in cyber space! It will set you free!

Now I gotta convince him to by me a kindle. I got a lot of convincing to do it appears. First things first though. Maybe if he gets me a kindle I will shut up about FB........or maybe not.

A teachable moment

I love Costco with all my heart and soul. I do. I love buying things in bulk. There is something satisfying about purchasing 10 cans of diced tomatoes in one felled swoop. Oh the possibilities! There is also something very comforting about having 50 rolls of toilet paper in your garage. You just never know when some baby or dog is going to leave you on the throne and in need. Babies and dogs are the main consumers of toilet paper at the Estes Ranch. Just a fun fact for you.

I also love my husband. I do. Now you may wonder if I love him as much as costco. It was close, but Dan the man wins that one. Mainly I think because he funds the trips to costco. He has me stuck there, but I won't complain......this time. Yes I can maintain the two relationships just fine as long as the two don't cross paths. Dan must stay away from costco at all times. He just ruins everything!

I love grocery shopping. I hated it when I was little though. I watched as my mother piled boring uninteresting food into the buggy. I couldn't pick anything. If anything good did ever end up in the cart it was for my dad and I couldn't have any. Sure the occasional debbie cake was thrown my way, but that doesn't really support my point about being deprived so we will just overlook that one. Okay?

Now that I am queen of the cart, goddess of the groceries, things are spiffy. I love buying food and deciding what wonderful things I will concoct. At costco I can buy hectares of the things I love unless Dan is there.

Dan is a guy so he is easily distracted by shiny things. I need to look at cartons of strawberries and 50 pound bags of potatoes, but he gets stopped right by the door. They put these stinking tvs at the front door.

I don't care about them

I don't want to look at them

We can't afford them

But every time we go in there he has to stand for a slow count of ten and stare. He is wasting my time. I only have precious minutes before Lorelai has had enough of the giant warehouse and I have to run for it. If that isn't bad enough then there are cameras and ski coats and GPSs he just has to stare at. Just stand and stare while other ladies, who are ok with heavy lifting, are greedily cleaning out the shelves. There will be no barrels of milk left for me if he doesn't hurry up!

He does not understand my rush. He is in no hurry. The drums of milk are in a fridge and there is no way they will be out before we get there. We have talked many times about his stress inducing dawdling, but to no avail. He tries, but he is just a man with a love for all things electronic. What am I to do? Should I lift all the cartons of necessity and load them into the minivan and (God forbid!) drag them into the house all by my little lonesome. I say no! There is a reason he was created with more upper body strength and this is it.

Things have a way of coming back around though. This time he dawdled looking at some stupid space heater and I warned him of Lorelai's impending tantrum and how he needed to move his keister. He ignored me as usual and all was well until we got near the end of our shopping trip. He wanted to look at movies before we left so I headed to the snack isles to make sure there was nothing there we couldn't live without. And I heard it. This high pitched crying out of the blue. I knew immediately it was my own baby. Every mother knows. Did I hurry through the remaining isles and rescue Dan? Of course not. He had not heeded my words. He was in no hurry and now neither was I. I rounded the corner to see him pushing the buggy at lightening speed. He rushed to the register and I followed slowly behind. Lorelai had called an end to the day. There was no movie for Dan. He barely got to look.

I said nothing. In my experience with Dan the man I have learned that he only comes by knowledge after suffering. I am glad to afford him the opportunity to grow. It is yet to be seen if he will pick up the pace next time. I am sure all it will take is a quick reminder that he didn't get a movie last time. He loves movies and I love costco. Hopefully everyone will be happy next trip and Lorelai will give us a break.

The day that did not suck.

I just have to say it. I have to give the guy credit. Dan gave me the best birthday to date. I turned 31 this year and homeboy pulled off the best surprise party ever. It was a big deal to me because my birthdays are usually disappointing. The few years that I have tried to do something I have been left eating dinner alone. It is horribly depressing to feel like people just won't show up for you. You watch them show up for other events, but never for you.

Due to that sad sad fact I approached the day with no expectations. I was not going to try to plan another get together, dinner or anything else where everyone could bail on me. I was going to enjoy my day, sit on the couch and eat cake. That was that. Dan's gramma had taken us out the night before to a fancy dinner which was delightfully good. Dan had promised to cook dinner for me on my birthday and I thought that was effort enough. I knew he wasn't the party planner guy so I accepted dinner as long as he got me some cake. Good enough.

My neighbor was going to take me shopping while he prepared the birthday meal. The day was turning out to be not depressing. I went to lunch and shopping with my friend and then we headed back to her house so she could make me another coffee. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Lisa makes a mean latte. I was as happy as I could be. I got a new purse, a few shirts and was coming home to a dinner I didn't have to make. Solid.

Dan informed me I needed to pick up the pace because dinner was getting cold so I made haste and speed walked home without my coffee. When I walked in the door people yelled at me and there were balloons and decorations. My mind went back to a rainy day last year when I ran into office depot for some random stuff. It was raining really hard so I was kinda looking at the ground while I made my way to Dan's truck. I opened the door and just as I was about to climb in a stranger laughed at me and said "wrong truck". Of course Dan had been a few spots over, seen the whole thing and was laughing his butt off at me. That was the feeling I had when I opened the door. Wrong house. Except it wasn't. I was confused and shocked, but happily surprised to see the faces of my friends and a party just for me. The day just hit an all time high of greatness. It was my first birthday party since I was a baby or something. My family doesn't really do up birthdays, but I do. I always go overboard for the kids and it was so awesome that someone would do that for me. He went to a lot of trouble and totally kept me in the dark. I had zero suspicions. It is kinda scary that he is that good a liar, but lets stay positive here.

So thank you Dan and all the people that went along with him. You just don't know how much it means to have a birthday that didn't end in tears and disappointment. I had a wonderful day and I think Dan really does love me. Really.

Welcome back!

So here it is. Its happened. We are no longer a night shift family and I couldn't have held out any longer. We have had a dark secret here at our ranch. I like to call our house a ranch, it just seems fitting. Maybe we have so many animal like children and I feel like I am herding them like cattle. Either way its ranch, a very suburban ranch and it hides things. We look like a happy family. Look, being the operative word in that sentence. We appear to get along pretty well, but things have been stirring. The fighting was getting to be unbearable. It didn't seem like a day went by that we weren't shouting at each other. The kids were annoyed and made it clear that they were sick of all the fighting. I think they were planning on snagging the credit cards and heading to Disney world as soon as we turned our backs. I cannot be sure of this, but I wouldn't have blamed them.

My parents are awesome at arguing, awesome. They can argue about nothing for hours and make it seem legit so when I started to notice a general tone of discord floating around the house I became concerned. We didn't used to bicker so much, but I just couldn't remember the last time I had looked at Dan and thought anything but murderous rage. Something was definitely wrong. It had been slowly building and my patience had been slowly waning. I never thought in my whole life I would see the "D" word as an option, but it had been running through my mind almost every day. I am not a quitter, but what do you do when you can't even have a conversation about the mundane without it exploding into an all out character assault. I decided I would study this and start taking notes.
I became a student of Dan the man. I started noticing when he was cranky and what most of his crankiness surrounded. It seemed to me that there was just no tangible cause. The angry got spewed out on whomever was around. I got blamed for everything under the sun just because I happened to be standing there. I started to think this man needed therapy. I found him a therapist and told him to go. Of course he didn't. Angry right fighters don't need no stinking therapy and they certainly don't need no stinking wives telling them they need therapy. Attempted and failed.

I started to notice a pattern. Sleeplessness. It appeared that I was dog poo when he was tired. I decided this was not true. It was statistically impossible for me to be at the center of all his problems. I mean, I don't even spend most of the day with him. I told him I would make him a chart to better illustrate. He got mad. At least I was on the right track, not with the chart though. He really hated that idea. Just for future reference and your own safety, do not attempt to make your point through scientific charts when husbands are tired. You really won't win.
So I collected my data. There were two distinct possibilities. A. I had married the king of the douches and should collect my things and go. B. Dan cannot adapt to being nocturnal and has been in a three year ever increasing state of sleep deprivation. Hoping that A was not true I explained my findings to his highness, without the use of a chart. We agreed to do a grand experiment. He would change shifts. He was just feeling worn out anyway. It took some convincing, but when sign ups came around he made the switch. I held my breath and prayed that this would work. Lawyers aren't cheap.

It has been almost 2 weeks now and I can safely say Dan is a changed man. He does not have that living dead appearance anymore. There is no more shouting about t-shirts and lost socks and the general decline of the government. I am amazingly not the horrible life ruining shrew I was painted out to be. I am a genius, well he didn't say that, but its true. He has been ever so nice. I think he is starting to view the last three years with some sanity now. I think I have some presents coming my way and I am not above gifts. I nonchalantly mentioned a thing or two I would like. Most of all its nice to be able to remember why I married him in the first place. People are happy at the ranch, smiling even. I guess some people just can't do nights. I just can't wait until I get my birthday present this year. It had better be good.