Sunday, September 19, 2010

On and off again

Here I sit on my couch fighting with my cuticles agonizing over whether or not to actually post what I am about to post. I have been in a frenzy of anxiety, irritability, and sadness for the last week or so. The weird thing about it is that there is no tangible reason for this. There has been no tragedy or spontaneous stress. Its just me and I don't know why. I have been this way my whole life. I have also diagnosed myself with every single mental disorder in the book, and there is a book. I have taken advice from everyone under the sun and endured the strange looks and judgemental comments of many a church goer. Most of them seem to think I need deliverance from something. I never knew that emotions were demons, but hey, I am the crazy one.

I started to notice something was strange during my adolescence. I was one moody depressed person for most of it. It wasn't a necessarily positive time, but my emotions have always tended to lean toward the extreme. Then I joined the military, also an emotional decision, and learned that I do. not. handle. stress. A fact that would be even more apparent when my hormones took me for a ride after the birth of each of my children. A fact that I seem to forget every time those ugly panicky feelings return. It feels so foreign to me that I can't imagine that I have been there before, but I have. I then do an immediate brain dump, or so I thought.

This last trip down hormone alley with my latest chubby angel seems to want to stick around. She is 1 now and usually the sadness wears off and I return to blissfully changing diapers and wiping smiling little faces. This time, however, has been different....or not. See this is where it gets confusing. I struggle to remember life before these feelings and afterward its like they were never here. Strange, I know, but this is how my day to day rolls on. Today and for the past week it has been a dismal pit. I can't get enough sleep, and its all I want to do. It takes every ounce of duty in me to get out of bed in the morning. I can't fathom doing another day. I do it though. The kids need sandwiches and homeschooling and diapers changed. I do it and its ok until nighttime. Then I am left with my thoughts and all of a sudden I am so tired I can hardly keep my eyes open. I am sad and lonely and don't want to go to sleep because that only means I will have to do it all over again.

This won't last forever though. In a few days, or however long it takes, I will be happy. My life will feel perfect. The nights won't be lonely and sad they will seem like a vacation from the chores of the day. I will be perky, answer and return phone calls, make time to see friends and feel a new resolve to take on all the things that have been put on hold while I was away. That's what it feels like. I will be so glad to be back and after a day or two I will lose all memory of the sadness. I won't be able to imagine myself depressed. Who knows how long it will last, but like many times before it will end and I will be here again trying to convince myself to wait it out. I will go for a run like I did today praying that some sort of endorphins will join in the fight and win me a few hours of happy. But this is my life. As far from normal as it may seem I know I am not alone, even in my own gene pool. One day I may get the guts to medicate my sadness, but not today. Today has worn me out. The dishes are done, the kids are in bed and I will just pray that when I wake up I will be a little less sad.


Lisa said...

Why you gotta put my business out there like that?! ..jk...not really. I feel ya tho, I'm just better at hiding it:)

jen said...

it's genetic. sorry, love. i think we all have that gene, just speaking for me and my sibs right now. love you. :)

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