My miracle baby

I was so excited for my anniversary. Dan and I had been married an entire year and we had saved as much money as we could. We didn't have a wedding or a honeymoon. Being barely legal and in the military did not afford us much money. So we pooled our meager checks and to celebrate our anniversary headed to the most romantic spot on the planet, Paris. I had been sure when I married Dan that I would be having no children. None. Nada. I was not going to be wiping butts and noses. I had a career! I had dreams! I was gonna travel the world and make lots of money to buy champagne and caviar. I was sure I would like them. But Dan wanted babies. He prodded and pleaded with me. He convinced and cajoled until I finally agreed to try it out. One kid, that was it. I would "try" this parent thing out because he wanted it so badly.

As soon as we got to Paris I started feeling weird. I was so tired. My stomach was in knots and food was the last thing on my mind. I wasn't feeling very romantic. I was feeling gross. Dan immediately wanted to run out and get me a pregnancy test. Only problem was neither of us spoke a lick of French. Remember that scene in Bridget Jones where she is asking the German pharmacist for a pregnancy test? Yeah it went down like that, except in French. Once we secured the test we hurried back to our hotel. I was so nervous and Dan was completely excited. I didn't even get my pants back up before it was a positive. 2 of the darkest blue lines I have ever seen. It was for real. We were gonna have a baby.

I toughed out the rest of our trip and headed back to Italy where we were stationed. I promptly got in to see the Doctor to confirm our little miracle. He scheduled me for an ultrasound to determine a due date since I am not the kind to pay much attention to cycles and all. When I got to my ultrasound I was curious about what I would see. Would it look like a baby at all? I waited and waited but the look on the Doctor's face was anxious. He kept staring at the fuzzy screen in silence. He informed me that he couldn't find the baby. My hormone levels were rising but he couldn't see the baby  anywhere. I was gonna need surgery.

A day or two later I was in the hospital. I came out of surgery only to hear more bad news. He still couldn't find the baby. He had poked around my insides with a camera and had even taken pictures of my empty womb. I had no idea what this meant. How could I get a positive test? Was I pregnant at all? That was the day I learned what a tubal pregnancy was. He figured that the baby was developing in my fallopian tubes. Apparently this was very dangerous and I could die if they didn't get "it" out. I was scheduled to go to Austria for chemotherapy to get rid of the baby. I was devastated. I was scared out of my mind and couldn't believe this was happening. Dan sat helplessly at my bed side in shock. He called everyone he knew and asked for prayer. He was determined that all was not lost. He calmly assured me that everything was going to be ok. I was doubtful and had already begun to mourn the baby I was certain to lose.

We headed home the next day. I was so sick from the anesthesia and sore from the surgery. The bumpy ride in our tiny Italian car only made the pain worse. I was emotionally void and wanted to die. How could this be happening? I didn't even want kids and Dan had gotten me all excited. Why did I suddenly want to be a mom? Maybe this was for the best. I wasn't mom material anyway. I still couldn't escape the sadness. As irrational as it seemed to me I wanted this baby more than anything I had ever wanted. I was an emotional wreck. I cried myself to sleep asking God to help me.

The next morning the phone rang. The hospital staff had forgotten to draw blood so they could continue to monitor my hormone levels. I had to get back in the car and drive all the way back to the hospital again. I was so angry. Why couldn't they just leave me alone? I winced the whole way there in pain. Finally we arrived and they drew my blood. The Doctor came in to ask me how I was feeling. I just ignored him. I don't know what made him do it, but he suggested that we do just one more ultrasound before he finalize my  orders for the big hospital and my chemo. I grudgingly agreed. What was the point? He has just been in there with a camera the day before. I didn't need him to further depress me with more proof that I was in a desperate situation. But for some reason I acquiesced and he began the exam.  He stared at the fuzzy monitor for what seemed like days and the entire room went silent. All of their faces were blank. The nurses and the Doctor were completely still. "Its there" he stammered. What? I wondered if he was drunk. I had no idea what he was talking about. His shaky finger pointed to what looked like a pinto bean on the monitor. "There is the baby" he said. Seriously?! Dan and I looked at each other in disbelief. We began to smile still too shocked to speak. The Doctor was completely confused. He had no clue how this could happen. Dan just beamed. He knew exactly what had happened.

I went on to have a completely normal miserable pregnancy. That baby is now 10 years old and 100% her father. She is our miracle. She is an answer to prayer. She is proof that sometimes you don't know what you want. I am so glad I was corrected and blessed with the opportunity to be a mom.