Deep fried failure

So as I sit here typing in my kitchen, which is what I use it for the most, I think about cooking. I don't cook. Don't try to convince me that I do or I will bring you some of my food. I think its just one of those gifts you either get or you don't. I am excellent at microwaving and reheating things in the oven, but don't hold your breath for anything from scratch.

As a kid I don't remember my mom whipping up any impressive dishes herself. (sorry mom) We ate spaghetti, the jar sauce of course, and lots of good old sodium rich hamburger helper. Its not that my mom was intentionally trying to poison us with high fat MSG laden fare, she just really didn't know how to make anything else. Now this is not news to anyone in my current gene pool, or the least bit shocking. We get it and move on to the take out menu. Thank God I at least had the sense to marry a boy who could throw down in the kitchen or we would probably all starve.

This lack of culinary know how is noteworthy because almost every woman I have met in the great northwest, short of my mother in law, can make things from raw food like eggs and flour and stuff. Who knew? Now I am not saying southern woman can't cook. I am sure they can. I just don't know or am related to any of them. Southern women have this reputation for making homestyle food like fried chicken and mashed potatoes with a homemade pie to finish it off. So here I come, the token southerner of my circle, and can't boil an egg. I seriously screwed that up once.

When I was first married and thought it was my wifely duty to create wonderful meals for my man I tried really hard. I tried salmon patties. FYI those need a binder like egg, otherwise you just have salmon grease soup. I also tried beef tips over noodles. I tried to make a red wine sauce for my beef. It came out purple from all the wine I put in it. I was so plastered I didn't really care. It reminded me of that Cajun chef guy. You really can't take him literally

All my friends are very encouraging. They give me recipes and answer my frantic phone calls. And for the record a raw whole chicken is really gross and I really didn't know which side was the breast. Yes I cooked it upside down, shut up. I am never going to get it down. It has been ten embarrassing years of trying and failing at everything but hamburger helper and dialing the phone. So no, not all southern women can fry you up a coronary in 10 minutes flat. I just thought yall should know that if you get an invite to my house for dinner expect great company and entertaining conversation, just don't come hungry.