Am I the same girl.....

I think sometimes I suffer from multiple personalities. See, in my mind I have this fantasy of who I want to be. I see myself completely different than I actually am. Only when these two identities come crashing together in the real world am I forced to face the truth. I am not the girl I wish I was.

In my head I am this free spirited, at home in nature hippie. I buy whole organic foods and take bath's in Dr Bronner's soap. I live in the country and have animals and a garden that feed my family. I rise early to get eggs from the chickens and milk my cow, Mildred. Yes, my imaginary cow has a name. I am anti-chemical and holistic. All the tables in my house are brightly colored mosaics. There are quirky nick knacks through out. I dress in an effortless bohemian style and drive a VW van.

I am drawn to blogs about people who live this way. I love the images and think how lovely their rustic kitchens are. I gaze jealously at their property with animals and a neat little vegetable patch. Then I look around my own home and well....it looks nothing like that.

In real life I live in a city with lots of convenience and lots of people. Its a nice quiet suburban area, but its by no means the rural retreat I tell myself I want. I have had plenty of opportunities to move out into the country but when push came to shove I just couldn't do it. In the same way I couldn't bring myself to paint and distress my kitchen cabinets when several of my friends did. It's just not me.....the real me anyway.

My practical taste is fairly modern. I like clean lines and neutrals. I do tend to favor a bit of traditional style as well, but only when it's accompanied by a modern element to tone it down. I love sparkle in my clothes and in my makeup. I prefer to look more jet set than natural. My dream kitchen cabinets are black with slim brushed nickel hardware. My life is more Ikea than pottery barn. And I do homeschool which is a bit out of the box. So why the great divide between my mind and reality? The only way I can seem to reconcile the two is to try and work as many of my hippie desires into my cityfied cushy life.

The organic food was a fairly easy switch. The soap and cleaning products were a seamless transition as well. Learning to make bread was a bit harder, but well worth the effort. I am working on my own little patch of a garden this year which makes my hippie heart sing. I am pretty sure the city won't let me have the farm animals I want though. It's probably for the best. I don't even want to clean up after my two pampered house dogs. My minivan is just so dang comfortable and good on gas and as idyllic as it may seem I just don't think the country is for me. I have this thing where I am afraid of being eaten by wild animals. I am sure its a very respectable phobia.

Every now and then I pretend with my husband that I want to live on acreage and visit Mildred every day. I kinda would like more space. Maybe one day he will convince me to take the plunge and commit myself to farm living. Until then I will appease my free spirited all natural inner self with some eco friendly changes. We have to come together on some things.......just not everything. And we can still smell good.