So I am blogging so I will get better because Lord knows I need to get better. For reals. I am thinking that writing should come with a paycheck and we all know that mediocre is not gonna afford me any Jimmy Choos or Louboutins. Yes I have expensive taste. I like nice things. Maybe I am a closet snob. So in lieu of my new found openess, yes I am having an even MORE open moment than usual, I am compiling a list of things people probably don't know about me. If this list happens to be a repeat blog, don't be a jerk and bring it up.
I only eat animals I wouldn't want to pet. This brings up a serious conflict for me when it comes to those tasty cows. I love to eat cows, but they are so dang friendly looking. I always said I wanted to own a cow and ride it around my yard. This is what city people think of farm animals until they go to a petting zoo or farm and realize that cows don't smell like Dona Karen. They kinda smell more like toilet. So due to their horrible hygiene I can eat them. I cannot, however, make exceptions for Bambi. Yes I am a thirty year old woman who will not refer to those angelic animals as deer. They are all a little bit of Bambi to me. And yes I know Bambi was a dude or whatever they call boy deer. Do not post and tell me what they call boy deer. I do not care. Just refer to them all as Bambi and I will know what you are talking about.
I will not mow the lawn, ever. I don't care if it gets as tall as the amazon jungle and the mailman has to use a machete to deliver my proactiv. I will not cut the grass. I will incessantly complain about how tall the grass is and make comparisons to Sanford and son. I will suggest we get some broken down pickups to use as lawn jockeys, but I will not cut the grass. Just something inside me bristles when faced with lawn care. It ain't lady like. So yes if your husband doesn't cut the grass at your house I don't respect him. There, its out. Don't we all feel better knowing that I am silently judging you.
I hate water. I do not drink water. It tastes like nothing. People tell me all the time how great water tastes and I honestly think they are smoking something because when I drink water it tastes like nothing. Kind of like Lobster. It is the nothing fish. And yes I do realize that lobster isn't a fish. I have to say this because someone will inevitably post that I am a dummy for saying lobster is a fish. I will call it whatever I like. It just tastes like whatever you put on it. If you like lobster you just like butter. Save yourself the money and just melt the butter on something less expensive. It ain't the lobster you love. Its just like water. There is water in coke, and coffee and lots of other lovely drinks, but its just an ingredient. I don't think it can hang on its own. Just like lobster. You take away the butter and you have rubbery nothing. You know I am right. I don't need you to say it. You cannot convince me that water is better than a latte or even a glass of wine. I don't care how healthy it is or if it will keep from being wrinkly. Guess what, being fat will keep me from being wrinkly too, not that I am going for that look. It's just a side effect from all the yummy lattes.
Now you know. I am officially weird, or high maintenance. I prefer high maintenance to all those other choice words people have for me. You can come up with your own, just don't be a jerk and post them.
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