My little brother

I have a brother much to most people's surprise. I usually don't talk about him and since most of my family lives on the East coast it doesn't really come up. He is in the army and has been for a very long time. He is always away and has served 3 tours in Iraq. My family is very proud of him and very grateful that he has survived much of the unmentioned conflict.

He never really talks about what he has seen over there. He hints sometimes, but completely withdraws and changes the subject. Its just part of his job. A lot of his life is a mystery. He likes to keep to himself. He has built himself a surrogate family of friends and acquaintances from the military and some from high school. They are his circle and they know him best. All of his blood relatives are left to guess. We know a bit about him from before he signed up. He is an insanely talented musician and has a penchant for flashy clothes. He also has had a substance abuse problem since he was a teen. He has an addictive personality that he gets honest and I wonder if he really knows who he is.

A while back I would get these phone calls in the middle of the night at like 2 or 3 in the morning. It was my brother. He was totally wasted and wanted to have a heart to heart. It turns out he was drunk dialing every family member he had a number for. I was 2nd or 3rd on the list. He would rant about how I didn't know him and I couldn't handle knowing his business. He confided a few things to me that I doubt he even remembers. He would go on about God and our parents like he had the answers for everything, but it was strictly a one way conversation. Any time I would question his motives or actions the phone call would abruptly end. Those phone calls also ended. I don't know why I lost the privilege of being drunk dialed, but it was kind of sad. That was really the only contact I had with him. And now I am back to none.

I skyped with him and my parents the other day. He was amazed to see how much my daughter had grown. He sent them Christmas presents for the second year in a row last year. I thought he might be coming around. He also has mentioned he would visit, but I won't hold my breath. He hadn't seen my daughter since she was four. She is now nine. The only reason he met her then was because we were both in town to visit my parents at Christmas that year. My other children are still strangers to him having never met their uncle.

I know you are probably thinking there is something I could do to reach out to my brother. I thought that a decade ago too. I have emailed, Facebooked, sent letters, pictures and gifts. He is not the least bit interested in being a part of my life or letting me have the smallest peek at his. So I have a brother, but I really don't. I hope he doesn't wake up one day realizing he has a whole lot of family that he discounted. He has ignored us and abandoned us. I also hope his surrogate family of drinking buddies and army friends make him happy. I would like for him to know my children. I am going to have baby number 4 soon and I want my children to be a part of each others lives. I want them to be close.

I don't know why my brother chooses to live this way. I can only imagine he has some issues that he needs to work on. I am not going to chase him down and beg him to make time for me. I am going to raise my kids and love my family. I have done all I could, but life goes on. I do have a life and a very full one at that. But if the day ever comes I think I could make room for a brother.