A pregnant declaration:

Some curious and enigmatic things happen when one becomes with child. You may have experienced this yourself or had the horror of watching a close friend or relative become a complete stranger. Consider this akin to a public service announcement. Hopefully this information will allow you to gain a better understanding of your pregnant friend/self/spouse.

1. I will project all of my insecurities onto anyone within a five foot radius. Ex. "You think I am fat and gross"

This can also work in a group setting. Ex. "Everyone thinks I am fat and gross!"

Proper response (and keep in mind this will have to come completely unsolicited)

"Wow you are such a beautiful pregnant woman. It really suits you"

2. I will cry/yell at you with no warning. It may be due to a tv commercial or an inner dialogue about how I am going to be a failure as a mother. It could be because I just ate an entire chipotle burrito and it is carving a path of fire down my esophagus. You may not be able to predict the cause. Just know it is coming and relax. My Dr. said I can't help it. Hello! Medical issue here!

3. Its probably YOUR fault. Yes, it seems illogical for you to be responsible for my swollen feet and aching back, but you are the culprit nonetheless. After all, I am far too miserable for it to be my fault. Now rub my feet!

4. I may be a little demanding. I need to be the center of attention. I mean, I am a walking miracle here. I am creating life in my womb. No one cares about your job or hobbies.

Promotion = good

Making a human= awe inspiring. I win.

5. I will return to normal at some point. That is after I have almost gone insane with post partum depression but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You kinda just have to wait about a year. Life will settle down and all the attention will shift to our little angel. You will have survived this go round hopefully in one piece. So cut the preggos some slack and go with it, or you will be sorry..........